Augh. I feel retarded. I did something stupid. And listened to a person who called me pathetic.
It started when I gave in to Oddie and Owen's teasing about liking one of my friends who's helping me stop doing bad things to myself. Well, my friend Justin got mad because he still likes me, and thinks my friend doesn't deserve me because he 'gets around'. Here's how our conversation went:
Me: uhm...you okay?
J: no
Me: oh...whats wrong?
J: you
Me: oh i guess youre still mad...but he's just trying to help.
J: he can't help you. only you can help yourself
Me: you don't understand. i don't want anything to do with this place anymore! he's the only one holding me back.
J: no offense but thats pathetic
Me: do you understand what it feels like when youre scared to see yourself?
do you understand what it feels like when you wish you were someone else who didnt need your help to get by? do you know what its like to wanna surrender?
you dont understand. you dont even care. thank you. i know i am pathetic.
J: I said thats pathetic...not your pathetic...ive always cared for you ive always had more feelings than ive shown.
I just stopped talking to him. Well, more like stopped talking and started crying and punching things...but i didnt stop talking to Alex. We had been talking about our feelings when i suddenly remembered why we'd been fighting a year ago. Then I just told him that someone *ahem* SOMEONE didnt want us together..he thought i meant God. Later i told him that i didnt mean God. I meant someone id spoken to. Right now I told him that my eyes burned. He kept asking why, and i gave in and admitted that i was crying. He said "Oh, don't, why are you crying?"
I couldn't help it, a new load of tears came and slid down my face. I pracically complained about everything, and all he said was that i wasnt alone.
Augh, then he said i pushed him away, and i said i didn't. He said- quote
Im here for YOU.
-unquote.
I frowned and said i was sorry, for maybe the thousandth time.
*sighs*
I have no idea what my current feelings are. Im confused. But i know that somewhere buried in there is love, burning bright and strong, for him and my God. I still praise and worship Him.